As I feel myself slipping back into a depression, I find myself standing in the kitchen, antsy- force feeding myself cold pasta because well .. it would be the second thing on the list of small things I’ve eaten all day.
Depression, anger, confusion, hurt, sadness, resentment all coupled with an eating disorder that’s been hidden for years, and sharp demons of the past creeping, into the corners of my mind palace..
I’d have to say, it’s not a healthy combination.
In times like these, it’s hard to do anything .
So I begin my solitary journey inward .
I call on the muses for inspiration .
The angels for signs of hope .
The fairies of manifestation to show me opportunities,
and my brain to keep itself together.
It’s hard battling a brain that’s more intelligent than you, a body that needs to be well taken care of and fit but has a hard time producing enough happy chemicals..
Bodily care and meditation are my saviors, as I think on self care from previous extreme lows.
Hoping these things will give me a boost and snap me out of it.
Depression, along with emotional turmoil put on the “deal with later” shelf (mind palace nonsense) makes for a ticking time bomb, scooting me closer and closer to the edge of the cliffs .
Am I the only one who feels better without clothing?
Sure, it’s not generally heavy. But it weighs my body down .
Coping mechanisms in hand , I just want this depression over with
GET ME OUT OF HERE
and I know once I am gone from this place that once made me feel so loved and safe, I will once again start coming back to myself .
The world will be beautiful again ( It is even now) and I won’t be crying all the time.
(Oh but how long ?)
Woe is me, never works for long . And it’s never been my cup of tea.
More like, HOW THE FUXK DO I GET RID OF THIS?..
(gentleness and patience along with honesty and communication)
With the presence in my hands,
And the future outstretched .
My future has never been more clear ,
Now to deal with the present ..